30/05/19

Follow your passions,

they say. But my fear is that

they’re faster than me

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Lone Wolf

I love the shows “Friends” and “How I Met Your Mother”. I love them because they are exactly what I want my life to look like…or at least what I always thought I wanted my life to look like.

I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m not meant to have close friends. I don’t think I can handle it. Keeping up with people, making plans, texting, calling – I can only handle a certain amount before I get tired. Most of the time I would rather just be at home alone. And then I get sad that I’m alone after a while, but it’s a choice I made.

As lonely as it gets sometimes.

As hard as it is sometimes.

Some of us are just meant to be alone. We feel spent when we’re always with people. When we’re spent, we hurt people without meaning to. I wish I could be a lone wolf and still have close friends, but I really don’t know if that’s possible. I’ve been told that it’s not my fault, that I’m not a bad person…but that’s easy to say because what does it matter how good you are if you spend all your time alone? It doesn’t.

I wish I could change.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

But there are no three wishes here, there isn’t even one. Just a girl saying them aloud to the air, to no one.

I’m so sorry, friends, for everything I’ve done. You saw something in me you wanted to be around, and that is amazing. But I couldn’t handle it and pushed you away. I hope to one day be better, to be able to handle friendship and love, but today is not that day.

Thanks for loving me, choosing me and giving so much to me. One day I will be able to accept it all, but today is not that day.

But one day…

I will.

Coffee Cup

Like a coffee cup,

I let you fill me

to the brim.

Such emptiness comes

after being so full.

As you emptied from me,

you emptied me

and now I’m left

with the remnants of you-

so small, so light-

just my memories of you-

they stick to me,

and soon,

will harden until

I need to be soaked

and left alone

for a while.

Raw Thoughts

I am a flight risk

Or at least I used to be. I used to stare out into the endless view of the ocean or the sky and wonder what was out there, knowing that one day I would know. I would never know all of it of course, but I would start on a journey, and, boy, I would know more than when i left.

Now, I look out into the endless view of the ocean or the sky when I have time, and when I do it’s no longer with the certainty I once had. Now everything seems further out of reach.

The opportunities are endless – if you have a good job to pay for them, but when you have a job that can pay for adventure, you can’t actually get away to enjoy it.

Sit in your comfy desk chair, staring at a screen instead of the real thing being comforted by the fact that you can, and not by the fact that you will.

Surprise.