Lone Wolf

I love the shows “Friends” and “How I Met Your Mother”. I love them because they are exactly what I want my life to look like…or at least what I always thought I wanted my life to look like.

I’m starting to realize that maybe I’m not meant to have close friends. I don’t think I can handle it. Keeping up with people, making plans, texting, calling – I can only handle a certain amount before I get tired. Most of the time I would rather just be at home alone. And then I get sad that I’m alone after a while, but it’s a choice I made.

As lonely as it gets sometimes.

As hard as it is sometimes.

Some of us are just meant to be alone. We feel spent when we’re always with people. When we’re spent, we hurt people without meaning to. I wish I could be a lone wolf and still have close friends, but I really don’t know if that’s possible. I’ve been told that it’s not my fault, that I’m not a bad person…but that’s easy to say because what does it matter how good you are if you spend all your time alone? It doesn’t.

I wish I could change.

I wish.

I wish.

I wish.

But there are no three wishes here, there isn’t even one. Just a girl saying them aloud to the air, to no one.

I’m so sorry, friends, for everything I’ve done. You saw something in me you wanted to be around, and that is amazing. But I couldn’t handle it and pushed you away. I hope to one day be better, to be able to handle friendship and love, but today is not that day.

Thanks for loving me, choosing me and giving so much to me. One day I will be able to accept it all, but today is not that day.

But one day…

I will.

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Coffee Cup

Like a coffee cup,

I let you fill me

to the brim.

Such emptiness comes

after being so full.

As you emptied from me,

you emptied me

and now I’m left

with the remnants of you-

so small, so light-

just my memories of you-

they stick to me,

and soon,

will harden until

I need to be soaked

and left alone

for a while.

Raw Thoughts

I am a flight risk

Or at least I used to be. I used to stare out into the endless view of the ocean or the sky and wonder what was out there, knowing that one day I would know. I would never know all of it of course, but I would start on a journey, and, boy, I would know more than when i left.

Now, I look out into the endless view of the ocean or the sky when I have time, and when I do it’s no longer with the certainty I once had. Now everything seems further out of reach.

The opportunities are endless – if you have a good job to pay for them, but when you have a job that can pay for adventure, you can’t actually get away to enjoy it.

Sit in your comfy desk chair, staring at a screen instead of the real thing being comforted by the fact that you can, and not by the fact that you will.

Surprise.

Build a Castle

Well, it’s been a while to say the LEAST. Work has been keeping me busy, also, to say the least, but it is what it is. I love my work, don’t get me wrong, but I also love writing and reading and I don’t want to lose those things to long days at work. I want to have a better work/life balance…I need to, not for anyone, but for myself.

That brings me to this piece. I was scrolling through my tumblr when I came across this piece of writing that I wrote when I was a teenager (don’t ask me exactly what age because my memory is shite). This piece means a lot to me. It’s really not magnificent, it’s not super powerful, but it came from the heart. It was what I was truly feeling at the time, and as I was reading it tonight – a 24 year old version of that scared, shy teenager, I realized that it is still so relevant today – for myself and I’m sure for others as well. I still feel this way, just with more experience in the matter. It is still true.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. Teenage Sam, things may not get better, but you have people who love you and care about you. You are worth the journey. You are worth the energy it takes to keep walking through this path. I promise. Same goes to anyone out there feeling the same – you are lovable. You are worth it.

“She looked at her life and thought she was hurt, like she was treated like dirt. She thought no one could love her, she felt like a torn flower. When people told her they loved her she would never believe them, she was too broken…too hurt. She pushed them away cause she just couldn’t pay the price of opening up. She thought she’d always have them – the liars as she thought them, but she pushed them away instead of having fought. For she believed that she could not be loved, and she believed it so much that it had become true. She strangled the thought until it turned blue. For having thought that she was unlovable she hurt those around her and became unlovable. ‘But it’s not too late.’ she thought. ‘I can build a castle out of this rubble if I believe I am lovable.’”

Be kind to one another.

xoxo

wonderful. beautiful.

Have you ever just looked at the sky for a long period of time? It’s pretty amazing. The longer you look at it, the more your eyes adjust to the brightness of it. Sometimes we forget just how bright the sky is. You’re not physically looking at the sun, but rather, the evidence of it. Have you noticed that when you bring your gaze back down, the colours have changed? Your eyes are no longer adjusted to the colours of the earth. The whole world looks different once you’ve stared at the sky. It alters your perspective. It’s wonderful. It’s beautiful.

Have you ever just looked to Jesus for a long period of time? It’s pretty amazing. The longer you look to Him, the more your eyes adjust to the brightness of Him. Sometimes we forget just how bright Jesus is. You’re not physically looking at Him, but rather, the evidence of Him. Have you noticed that when you bring your gaze back down, the colours have changed? Your eyes are no longer adjusted to the colours of the world. The whole world looks different once you’ve stared at Jesus! He alters your perspective. He’s wonderful. He’s beautiful.